A TRUE STORY? DEPENDS......

No reason to post today other than it's a slow day at work and I feel like writing.

I first started blogging when I opened a MYSPACE account a little over a year ago. I had read several blogs and wasn't sure what to write about when I started. But I did know one thing.... whatever I wrote about I was going to be honest. Completely honest. Even if it hurt. This turned out to be a bit of a mistake. Being honest about my life and lettting all my MYSPACE "friends" read and comment turned into a cluster-fuck. Which is a shame because I really liked some of the posts I had put up. But I deleted my account and came to Google. I'm much happier here. I dig the people that are reading and commenting and the blogs I'm reading here are a kick. Now.... back to the being honest part....

The story I'm about to relate is true. I was telling it to some friends over coffee a while back and they went wild. Eveyone laughed and laughed and had a million questions. When I was done telling it, a dozen similar stories came out from the crowd and coffee stretched until 3am.

So, it's a slow day at work, I feel like writing, and I will be completely honest. Let's see....

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Many years ago I was dating a woman named Dee. That is not her real name, but because of the nature of the story and the fact that she is not around to put her spin on it, we'll go with Dee.
Dee was a pretty, young school teacher I had met at the wedding of a close friend of mine. We were both in the wedding party, so we spent a lot of time hanging out and then we were an item.
Things were going great and before I knew it, Dee had all but moved into the house I was renting. Not sure how that happened but it didn't really bother me. I liked her and she loved me. So it goes.
We would spend evenings preparing meals, but like a lot of couples we ate out a lot. There were a number of restaurants that we liked, and we would take turns picking where we wanted to eat. One of my favorite spots at the time was a buffet joint. I won't give out the name, but let's just say that you probably have one in your "hometown" and it is a "buffet". Dee wasn't crazy about the place but we went there because she knew I liked it.
So there we were eating. I like all you can eat places because I did just that.... have all I can eat. When we were through, I had several empty plates piled beside me. Dee had maybe two. It was time to go. We got in my car and started the 10 minute ride home. Not more than a minute into the drive I began to feel some discomfort.... cramps and such. A minute later it became apparent that I need to go to the bathroom. Badly. I said nothing and took the pain. We would be home soon. But I guess the sweating and moaning got Dees attention and she asked if I was okay. I told her what was happening.
"Let's stop at a gas station", she said
" No, I'll make it. I just have to get home."
Each moment brought new agony. The pressure building below was unbelievable. My knuckles were turning white as I gripped the steering wheel. "I have to make it home! Please, God, don't let this happen in front of my girlfriend!" I thought.
I turned the car into my neighborhood, then onto my street, then I saw my house. "Made it!" I said. Dee could not take her eyes off me.
I pulled into the driveway, turned off the car, and opened the door. For a moment I was frozen. The pain was so intense I couldn't move. Then I stepped out of the car and stood up. And there, in my driveway, on a bright and sunny afternoon, in front of the entire neighborhood, in front of my girlfriend.... I shit my pants. Like a 2 year old.
Not a squirt. Not a slip. I unloaded like a firefighting helicopter over a blaze.
I looked to my right and Dee was gone. Then I saw her head pop up over the car and back down it went again. She was laughing so hard she was choking. I was about to call her a fucking bitch but then realized I was going to need help getting into the house. Walking with a load in your pants is.... awkward. Dee composed herself, sort of, and helped me to the front door. She then got me into the shower, had me strip, and the clean up began. It was not pretty.
After it was all done, we had a great laugh. That will never happen again, I thought.

Two weeks later.....

We are sitting in the same buffet. I just finished my third plate of bbq ribs and mashed potatoes. "Ready to go?" Dee said.
"I want some pie with ice cream first", said the stupid man.
"Aaww, honey. You've had enough. Come on. Let's go."
" We'll split it." The stupid man is very stupid.
Dee just sat there watching me eat the pie and ice cream. When I was finished, we walked out to her car.
"Are you okay?" she asked. Dee was concerned. We had come in her car this evening.
"I'm fine. I feel good."
We got in her car, me in the passenger seat, and started the trip home.

The cramps hit monments later.

There was no humor in Dees voice this time. She was pissed.
"You said you were okay! What the fuck! Are you going to make it this time?"
"I don't think so. Drive fast.... oh, God!"
" Michael, don't you dare! Hold it!"
"I can't....", I said between my gritted teeth.
I was wearing shorts. When it happened, it happened with suck force that it shot out of the bottom of my shorts.... all over her car seat and all over the floor.
Dee began to gag. She got the power windows down. I was gagging too, and laughing at the same time. That's how we drove the rest of the way home. Dee gagging and screaming at me, and me laughing and gagging.
After the clean up, after Dee spent more that an hour cleaning her car ( that's right ladies and germs.... SHE cleaned her car!), we did not speak much the rest of that night.

I never ate at that restaurant again. I don't really eat at buffets much anymore. And I have not had another "incident" since that time.

Dee and I are no longer together. Truth of the matter is less than a year after the events I have described here, I broke up with her. She's a good woman. She put up with a lot of my shit.

And this is a true story. Hell, why would anyone make up a story like that? And why would anyone post it on their blog? Maybe they were bored at work and decided to tell a tale.

I'm hungry......

CUT ME, MICK!

It's been an interesting week. Forgive me if I seek your pity.



To start of with, I've been sick. Really sick. Run down, coughing, sneezing, radioactive booger, please God let me die, kind of sick. Not tragic, but crappy all the same. There's a lot of it going around.
I've been working really long hours at work. I don't normally mind this, but coupled with being sick has taken its toll.
Speaking of work... I had one of my hosts from one of the shows I produce drop the "bullshit" bomb on air three times.... in one show.... in a 48 second span. If you don't keep up with current events then I should tell you.... this is bad. Corporate bosses calling my phones screaming at me "WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON THERE?" kind of bad. There were meetings and more meetings. I still have my job. I still have the headache.
I cannot get a woman out of my head. I won't go into details, I've posted about it before. But it raised its head again recently. Don't you just love love?
Yesterday, Friday, I got rear ended while sitting at a stop light. My hat and glasses went flying. My bumper is kind of fucked, but other than that everything is fine.... my back sort of hurts though....
And then there is the normal day-to-day stuff which seems to grow fangs when everything else is frying your ass.

But the kicker..... the cherry on the cake..... the thing that TAKES the cake.... is my eye.

I have a sty. In my left eye.

I know that a sty is not the end of the world. It's fairly common. An eye duct or hair folicle that's blocked and your eye lid swells up. Nothing you can do. Hot compresses and at some point and time it unblocks and everything is back to normal. But sometimes it takes time and this current sty is now about four days old... and I look like.... well, let's hear what the peanut gallery has said....

" Hey, Rocky! Cut me, Mick! Cut me!"

" You gonna ring the bells in the tower, hunchback?"

" Oh my God! I mean, it doesn't look that bad."

" Forgot to turn your head when the guy came, huh?"

" Holy shit, man! You're deformed!"

I hate people. I really do.

I know I'm not a good looking guy. That's fine. I can play the hand that I was delt. I make up for it by being charming and funny. About the best compliment I can remember about my looks was: " Oh, you're cute. Like Shrek!"

I hate people. I really do.

And this is what's baking my nuts this week. On top of everything else, I'm Shrek.... with a deformed, Rocky, hunchback- like eye. That drains at night and crusts over.

So, if you're walking down the street and you see a guy that looks like Shrek with a swollen eye coming towards you, show him a little pity. And wait for him to pass till you go screaming into the night.